Marriage Cycles

 The Six Stages of Marriage or "Couple-hood"*



By John E. Turner, LCSW, LMFT and Sally Connolly, LCSW, LMFT
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There are six different stages that couples go through during their courtship and marriage.  Some couples move through them very quickly while others stay "stuck" in one for a long time.  Read about them and see if you might find your relationship patterns.
 
Stage 1:  Romance, "The Honeymoon" or aptly termed  “Loving Under the Influence”.
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    • Partners see each other as perfect and identical and are only slightly aware of any differences.
    • As external interests or renewed career goals emerge, they can be viewed as a betrayal of the relationship. The task for couples at this stage is to learn to accept the differences as enhancing their relationship rather than tearing them apart.
Stage 2: Expectations, Compromise, Disappointment or Distress
  • Couples sometimes experience changes in each other and in the relationship as disappointment, loss, anxiety and self-doubt.
  • The job at this point is to draw a distinct boundary between themselves as a unit and the rest of the world that impinges on it.
Stage 3:  Power Struggles and Control
  • Partner’s interests diverge and develop independently.  Each may try to control the other. Many couples stay in this stage for years.
  • Struggles are generally over nurturing each other and themselves as individuals.
  • The job at this stage is to recognize differences that they have and to learn how to negotiate them.
Stage 4:  The Seven-Year Itch or the Stage of  Competition
  •  One or the other may be feeling the need to run from the relationship. “I want time for myself”. “I need some space”. May be affairs at this stage as partners look for space (regardless of time that they have been married).
Stage 5:   Reconciliation and Cooperation
  • As couples reach this stage, the are reaching toward intimacy. 
  • Couples recognize that they have a full identity to share.
Stage 6:  Acceptance and Collaboration
  •  Intimacy and mutuality. At this stage, couples recognize that they can separate and reconnect without losing that identity.
Want to talk more about these stages, and how they may be affecting your own relationship?  Contact us at Counseling Relationships Online.  We are here to help online or in person.


* Adapted from "The Reinvention of Marriage" by Hara Estroff Marano in Psychology Today.