Increase Desire: Think Your Way to Better Sex
by Sally R. Connolly, LMFT and John E. Turner,LMFT
|Many healthy men think about sex several times a day.|
Many healthy women think about sex several times a month.
That, in and of itself, causes sexual problems for men and women. Men often want sex a lot more frequently than women want sex. Neither is happy with the process and the tension that it can create in a relationship as a man pursues his wife and wants her to increase desire, his wife feels pressured. Each of them feels like a loser, even though they have different reasons.
(Disclaimer: In some relationships, it is exactly the opposite … Women are much more interested in sex than their male partners and want their men to increase desire. Nothing is “always” or “never”.)
The reasons that many women have less desire for sex than their partners are complicated. Much more complicated than we will explore in this brief article. Check back with us for more on this topic at a later date and we will discuss women, men and intimacy as well as other related topics.
We want to address just one of the reasons why women are less interested in sex. It comes from a woman’s innate ability to multi-task. This means that she is thinking about and often doing, many things at once. Sex is rarely at the top of her list.
When one’s mind and body are so busy, how can a woman possibly relax and think about and be ready to enjoy a hot rendezvous with her husband! Increased desire is not a goal for many women.
We have all heard jokes … or experienced first hand … the many different things that go through a woman’s mind while having sex. (Hard to call it “making love” sometimes.)
Increase desire. Think your way to
Women Can Learn To Focus on the Experience and Increase Desire
Here are 3 steps to help you increase your desire and think your way to a better sex life.
1. Learn to clear your mind.
Women do themselves a favor by finding ways to relax and enjoy the experience. Our suggestion is that women practice learning ways to clear their mind and remain in the moment, thinking about themselves and their pleasure as much, if not more, than their partner‘s pleasure.
Women: add to your “to do list” to find 10 minutes a day to practice some kind of meditation. There are some great cds for learning meditation but you can also just sit quietly and concentrate on your breathing.
2. To increase desire, focus
on the here-and-now, particularly on what is happening within.
ways to slow down and just notice your surroundings. Focus on what you
see around you, what you hear and what you are feeling. As you do
this, take some deep breaths. Notice the effects as you relax and
become more aware of your surroundings.|
After you get fairly successful at this, which will take several practice sessions and a commitment to finding a different way to do it, then move to your body. Notice things that you see and feel within your body. Focus on sensations or positive attributes of your body. (You can be self-critical at a later time.)
Prioritize your pleasure as highly as you do your partner’s. Recognize that a healthy sex life is an important part of a marriage … and you deserve a good one. If you do not like the way it is going or the pleasure you are receiving, learn what DOES feel good to you and find ways to let your partner know.
3. To increase desire, practice sexy thinking.
Change thoughts from “I don’t want to have sex” or “I will have sex because my spouse or my marriage needs it” to thoughts of enjoyable sex.
During the day, think about sexual experiences that you have enjoyed in the past. Remember sexy parts about your spouse. Think again about an orgasm that you had and how it made you feel. Fantasize about sexual experiences that you would like to have in the future.